Ladies Love Me

I've had my fair share of women. Period.

Preprare to be Dominated, World

Guitar Hero just aint what it used to be, man.  So I decided to take matters into my own hands and begin working on the rockinest Guitar Hero game ever to break through earth’s atomosphere—forged from the fires of both Mordor and Hell, I bring you GUITAR HERO IV: MATT’S TOUR OF THE UNIVERSE!  I already made the front cover of the game (as you can see above) and I’m still working on the set list.  Here’s some of what I’ve got so far:

Twisted Sister’s “Burn in Hell”

Iron Maiden’s “Children of the Damned”

Metallica’s “Master of Puppets”

Slayer’s “Raining Blood”

Megadeth’s “Rust in Peace”

Anthrax’s “Antisocial”

And of course I’ll include some of my own epic riffs:

            “WHAT?! Did You Just Look at ME?”

            “American Menace Set Loose on a Galaxy of Losers”

            “You Can Try to Run, But I’ll Throw a Ninja Star”

            “Who Needs a Mom, Anyways?”

When I called those idiots at Activision Games and told them about my idea, they told me I was crazy.  I just yelled, “I THRIVE OFF CRAZINESS, BRO!” and hung up.  They didn’t realize that calling me crazy is like the using nitro booster I put in my bike (and that they just missed out on the biggest money making deal of a lifetime).  I’ll probably bully some nerdy middle schooler into making the game for me now.

I am the Grim Reaper

Argon? Hydrogen? Cobalt? None of the above. Correct answer: SURPRISE!

So, there are these new books out called "The Harry Potter Stories" that probably only of few of you have even heard of.  They came out with a bunch of them all at once.  I think they should have released them one at a time if you ask me.  (IDIOTS!  You should have asked me!)  Oh well, your loss.  For your dumb information, I have not and WILL NOT read the Harry Potter stories.  I only read one thing:  books I write myself (and sometimes my blog... which I also write myself... duh!)  But I saw one of the movies and believe it or not, I think he would be a pretty good match for me in a fight.  I admit he ain't bad at what he does.  Except for the nerdy glasses!  Man that kid really is a wuss! "Expelliamus"?  He is such a dork! I could dominate him so easy.  Unless, he parseltongued a snake at me.  I thought parseltongue was a bunch of fake kid crap until I had a dream (way before Harry Potter wrote those books) where I was at school and I started speaking it and ended up dominating all my teachers with snakes.  Every one of them was afraid to give me homework for two weeks and they started respecting me sooo much!  So if I ever got in a fight with Harry Potter (WHICH I WOULD BE HAPPY TO DO!) parseltonuge is the only way I could really see him winning.  Unless I can somehow use my mind domination that I recently discovered to unlock the secret of parseltongue, like I did in my dream, which I already know will be simple.  "Why don't you just do it now?", you ask.  Well... its simple really. You might want to write this down:  You always let your enemy come to you. Otherwise you blow the most dangerous element on the whole periodic table of elements... SURPRISE!  Which is one element I always have tons of.  Try this role-play on for size:

Me:  "La de dah... Hey!!  YOU JUST WON ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!!!"  

You: " What the heckkkk?!!  Awesoooommmeeee!!"

Me:  LEG SWEEP!

(end scene)  

Thats just one example.  

Still not convinced??  Then watch this vid!

Mind Domination

Today I moved something with my mind. I always knew I had the power to move things with my mind, never found the need since I usually beat the crap out of things I want to move with my bare hands. Anyway, I was j-walking, as I always do, and a stupid car decided not to stop- BIG MISTAKE. Since I was carrying bags of money that were just given to me when I walked into my local bank, I couldn't smash the car with my bare hands without some sort of inconvenience. Don't get me wrong, I could of done it, but I didn't feel like it. So I used my freaking mind power to blow up the car just before hitting me. Sure some of the debris hit me and the flames charred toward me, but I don't bruise and nothing burns me. Nothing. I'm sure they got it all on film from the street camera I saw. I just stared at it for 10 minutes. Don't expect to hear from the Highway Traffic Control any time soon. They probably think I'll make their stupid heads explode. If they try to cross me I just might.

Do You Ever Wonder Why I Became a Menace to Society?

I don't. I was just born this way. Literally. I was born on my dad's West Coast Chopper while my parents were on the highway goin to the hospital. Here's a pic of the bike I was born on.

My dad knew what he was doin.  He wasn't friends with nobody.  Not even my mom.  One time I made the stupid mistake of having a friend for a little while.  His name was Tyler.  At first I though he was cool because he liked Iron Maiden, but it turned out he was just a poser trying to get close to me so he could steal my music ideas.  Well Tyler, this new hit song is for you, ex-friend.  (And the only reason I'm smiling while I'm playing the song is because I'm imagining doing what the lyrics say.)  Screw you all!

Crazy AfterShow Parties

I've played a lot of shows in my day and sometimes the party afterwards is where things get CRAZY. This was probably the craziest of all. There were so many people there and they all wanted to hang out with me. I'm pretty much always the center of attention and people are always like, "Man, what is Matt going to do next? He's so freaking crazy and fun to be around. I wish he was my brother or father or something." I know it's crazy, but that's my life.

Sweetness!

Here are some of the lyrics to my latest song called "Kick'em while they're down." It goes like this... "If you fall down you better know I'm gonna kick ya. If you got ice-cream you better know I'm gonna lick ya. If you're healthy you better know I'll cough and make ya sick ya. And if you go to donate plasma you better know I'm gonna prick ya." In between each verse I'll have a lot of people shout something like "YEAH!" or maybe "THAT'S RIGHT." I'm still thinking about it. I have almost all the song ready. There are just a couple of things left to do.That's all I got for now, or at least all I'm going to reveal at this point to the general public. I think you're all stupid! Peace!

So I play music all the time. I'm kind of my own music guru. I know all the best music and I play only wicked awesome licks. I can play practically any instrument there is. Oh and by the way, happy stupid new year. I don't really celebrate anything except MYSELF, and I do that everyday.