Friday, May 7, 2010

I'm back nerds. And I have new literature.

Well nerds, I'M BACK!! I bet you thought some of my on-going bully rivals finally got the best of me. NOT! AS IF! I admit I've been lyin' low lately due to some extra risk ( I mowed Mr. Harolds' lawn and hit his hose with the mower and took off runnin' but I guess someone had left the hose on with just a spray nozzle on it to keep the water from coming out. I do water his lawn once a week, but I doubt I was the one who left it on. Anyways... the hole from the mower sprung a big leak and flooded his backyard. Whatever. Like I care. aS iF i CaRe! (lol) So anyways, old man Harolds told his 35 year old son to come find me to make me pay... or so I heard from Harolds 17 year old daughter, aka my hot girlfriend. Whatever... I've had like anywhere from 5 to 10 hot girlfriends... in anywhere from 5-10 hot states... (AZ, TX, CA, NM, Fl, and like 10 other hot ones... I forget, but that's not the point) The point is I'M BACK! with a brand new invention! (lol) (-vanilla ice cream the rapper-) I know people have been using Powerpoint for like 15-45 years now... but so far I'm the only one Pointing with Power. I realized I capitalized the P's... its because its also the name of my new intimidation lesson kit. You should be able to find Pointing with Power in pretty much any store anyone (ANYONE COOL!) has ever heard of. Its basically five pointers ;-) lol on how to stare down your opponent but at the same time you use different ways of pointing at him to psyche him out. I discovered it when Harolds' son was after me and I needed a bike so I intimidated a little kid and made him give me his. All I did was point at the bike and he dropped it and ran. Thats when i realized I could point my way out of things, or around them, or through them. Anyways, the point ;-) lol ( re read that part if you didn't get that joke... my jokes are higher level understanding jokes because Im smarter than most of you) is that my new mini book/intimidation lesson kit is going to be huge. "Pointing with Power: Basically the only thing any bully or bully fighters will need to succeed." That part is in italy font because its whats on the front of the book/kit. Well, its going to be once I get the cash I need to print it. Ol' man Harolds still owes me for the lawn. So, the lessons are about things that come natural to me that most normal people never think about. Take this i.e. for example... When you look at kid and say, "Give me your backpack!" He may or may not do it. But! If you say, "Give me your back pack!" and do the "saw-point" where you move your arm forwards and backwards while flexing your abs and your biceps, then that kid will hand over the bag so fast and wet himself so fast too. Thats just a teaser... the other four tips are even better. By the time you can get to the store my kit should be there.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Ladies Love Me

I've had my fair share of women. Period.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Preprare to be Dominated, World

Guitar Hero just aint what it used to be, man.  So I decided to take matters into my own hands and begin working on the rockinest Guitar Hero game ever to break through earth’s atomosphere—forged from the fires of both Mordor and Hell, I bring you GUITAR HERO IV: MATT’S TOUR OF THE UNIVERSE!  I already made the front cover of the game (as you can see above) and I’m still working on the set list.  Here’s some of what I’ve got so far:

Twisted Sister’s “Burn in Hell”

Iron Maiden’s “Children of the Damned”

Metallica’s “Master of Puppets”

Slayer’s “Raining Blood”

Megadeth’s “Rust in Peace”

Anthrax’s “Antisocial”

And of course I’ll include some of my own epic riffs:

            “WHAT?! Did You Just Look at ME?”

            “American Menace Set Loose on a Galaxy of Losers”

            “You Can Try to Run, But I’ll Throw a Ninja Star”

            “Who Needs a Mom, Anyways?”

When I called those idiots at Activision Games and told them about my idea, they told me I was crazy.  I just yelled, “I THRIVE OFF CRAZINESS, BRO!” and hung up.  They didn’t realize that calling me crazy is like the using nitro booster I put in my bike (and that they just missed out on the biggest money making deal of a lifetime).  I’ll probably bully some nerdy middle schooler into making the game for me now.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

I am the Grim Reaper

So one time some girl thought she could just break up with me. I break up with girls, not the other way around. So I let her have it. NO ONE BREAKS UP WITH ME! I end my relationships when I want to. I tell my dentist when he's done with my check-up. I tell my doctor when my surgeory is over. I am the fat lady! And I sing when I want to sing!

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Argon? Hydrogen? Cobalt? None of the above. Correct answer: SURPRISE!

So, there are these new books out called "The Harry Potter Stories" that probably only of few of you have even heard of.  They came out with a bunch of them all at once.  I think they should have released them one at a time if you ask me.  (IDIOTS!  You should have asked me!)  Oh well, your loss.  For your dumb information, I have not and WILL NOT read the Harry Potter stories.  I only read one thing:  books I write myself (and sometimes my blog... which I also write myself... duh!)  But I saw one of the movies and believe it or not, I think he would be a pretty good match for me in a fight.  I admit he ain't bad at what he does.  Except for the nerdy glasses!  Man that kid really is a wuss! "Expelliamus"?  He is such a dork! I could dominate him so easy.  Unless, he parseltongued a snake at me.  I thought parseltongue was a bunch of fake kid crap until I had a dream (way before Harry Potter wrote those books) where I was at school and I started speaking it and ended up dominating all my teachers with snakes.  Every one of them was afraid to give me homework for two weeks and they started respecting me sooo much!  So if I ever got in a fight with Harry Potter (WHICH I WOULD BE HAPPY TO DO!) parseltonuge is the only way I could really see him winning.  Unless I can somehow use my mind domination that I recently discovered to unlock the secret of parseltongue, like I did in my dream, which I already know will be simple.  "Why don't you just do it now?", you ask.  Well... its simple really. You might want to write this down:  You always let your enemy come to you. Otherwise you blow the most dangerous element on the whole periodic table of elements... SURPRISE!  Which is one element I always have tons of.  Try this role-play on for size:

Me:  "La de dah... Hey!!  YOU JUST WON ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!!!"  

You: " What the heckkkk?!!  Awesoooommmeeee!!"


(end scene)  

Thats just one example.  

Still not convinced??  Then watch this vid!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Mind Domination

Today I moved something with my mind. I always knew I had the power to move things with my mind, never found the need since I usually beat the crap out of things I want to move with my bare hands. Anyway, I was j-walking, as I always do, and a stupid car decided not to stop- BIG MISTAKE. Since I was carrying bags of money that were just given to me when I walked into my local bank, I couldn't smash the car with my bare hands without some sort of inconvenience. Don't get me wrong, I could of done it, but I didn't feel like it. So I used my freaking mind power to blow up the car just before hitting me. Sure some of the debris hit me and the flames charred toward me, but I don't bruise and nothing burns me. Nothing. I'm sure they got it all on film from the street camera I saw. I just stared at it for 10 minutes. Don't expect to hear from the Highway Traffic Control any time soon. They probably think I'll make their stupid heads explode. If they try to cross me I just might.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Do You Ever Wonder Why I Became a Menace to Society?

I don't. I was just born this way. Literally. I was born on my dad's West Coast Chopper while my parents were on the highway goin to the hospital. Here's a pic of the bike I was born on.

My dad knew what he was doin.  He wasn't friends with nobody.  Not even my mom.  One time I made the stupid mistake of having a friend for a little while.  His name was Tyler.  At first I though he was cool because he liked Iron Maiden, but it turned out he was just a poser trying to get close to me so he could steal my music ideas.  Well Tyler, this new hit song is for you, ex-friend.  (And the only reason I'm smiling while I'm playing the song is because I'm imagining doing what the lyrics say.)  Screw you all!